Reminders.

So i am sitting here with an old friend. I have drank about 3 shots of jack and am very much in my feelings lol. So before i spill the beans to him i kind of want to collect my thoughts. I feel like i want to tell him that i regret having that abortion because i want a baby now so badly and even if he wouldnt have been around i could have my baby. I forgive him for everything he said to me when i was pregnant or afterwards and i dont blame him for telling me to have the abortion it needed to happen for his life to continue but i just wish i wouldnt have.

 

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HAPPY Birthday young man!

November 16, 2009 I gave birth to an amazing boy. I was filled with so much joy even through all my pan I was crying. If only he actually knew how much I love him. He is my cuddle bug, my caretaker when I’m sick, my inspiration, and most of all my little boy ❤ My son struggles with speech and hyperactivity. They think he is intellectually disabled but it hasn’t been diagnosed for certain yet. A lot of people actually cannot handle him and tell me “there is something wrong with him” but really, there is something wrong with those people. They don’t understand that not everyone is “normal” per the status quo. Some people are actually amazing and weird which is way better then NORMAL if thats what you want to call it. Im so glad I get the pleasure of being his mommy and I would have it any other way. Happy birthday my sweet sweet boy. unnamed

Dailytimes-Honk

Honk Honk Honk. As I sit in the car wondering what the hell happened I could only hear honks of people driving by at 70 mph. I smell smoke and it is filling up my lungs. I panic and kick the car door open as the guy outside tries to hold it shut. My sister is in my stepdads hands bleeding from her nose and mouth. How could this be? Is this a nightmare? Did I fall asleep in the car? Is my sister going to die? As the ambulance come to pick us up thats all I hear is honks everywhere. I just wanted peace and quiet to figure out what was happening but the city never sleeps I guess right? Honk Honk Honk

At what point did you start loving yourself?

That is the question on my mind today. There was a point in my life that I stopped loving myself, whether it be when I was 8 or when I was 16. The consequences I have faced have been dissatisfaction in myself and in others I have tried to have relationships with. It isn’t until recent that I realize the damage I have done to myself and allowed others to do to me. Not loving myself meant always putting others first. It meant always putting myself last if at all. I have gained so much damage; trust issues, abandonment issues, jealousy issues, and he list goes on. If I would have to guess when I stopped loving myself it was when I realized that my own mother didn’t love me. If my own mother didn’t love me there was definitely something wrong with me right? How could someone not love their own flesh and blood unless I was just plain bad. It wasn’t until I started going to therapy and completely isolating myself that I realized all these people that have been in my life making me feel like crap were using this weakness and manipulating it to their advantage. There was never anything wrong with me besides that I wanted love. These type of people prey on the loving, and caring people who are easily pushed around. They come in all types; parents, best friends, siblings, co workers, or anyone. By isolating myself I saw who came to me just to make sure I was ok and I saw who came to me to ask for a favor. Big shocker all the people I relied on for emotional support only came to me to ask favors. They didn’t call or text to check on me for the 5 months I had isolated myself. Not freaking once. There were about 2 people who did though and those people I will love forever. Those people deserve the type of love I give, which is passionate and never ending. The other people however lead me to believe I was never good enough, or that there was something wrong with me. There was something wrong with me because I wanted love. How dare they take what they only want and leave me hanging dry. I have done so much for people and you know what I realized I’m worth something. Im worthy to be loved and treated with respect. It was at that point I started loving myself. #foodforthought

Apartment hunting >.<

So today I finally found the apartment that will fit all of me and my children needs. I had an eviction that came from a different apartment me and my grandma rented. My grandma had passed away and so I wasn’t able to pay the bills alone BUT I feel like I have finally overcome this. Im so happy I will finally be able to provide a safe home for my children. It has been so long and I just cannot wait! Im praying everything goes as planned. I will know by tomorrow if I am income eligible and then in about two to three days after that I will know if my credit and background check cleared and if that goes well then I am good! This actually couldn’t have come at a better time since thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up 🙂 I don’t think that I will be in by thanksgiving but by Christmas most definitely.

Heres the deal..

Alright so a little background..my mother was severely abusive, I lost my sister at a very young age, and got pregnant at the age of 16. Holy moly right? You would think my life was over after my mom wrecked my mind, and I irresponsibly had a child. At first,  yes I did think my life was over. It continued to get worse as I didn’t get any help for myself. I pursued relationships that were very unhealthy for me (abusive ones), and I didn’t understand why normal people didn’t want me. What was wrong with me? Is it because I had kids? or is it because I was just damaged beyond recognition. None of those. I needed help, from the inside out. I needed therapy, and I needed to get away from all the negative people in my life, I needed dental work, and better sleeping and eating habits, and most of all I needed independence. With my independence I am able to learn to be by myself. Give myself what I need to heal from all the crap I had endured. I still to this day am working on myself in therapy, going to school to have a career that I will find fulfilling, and working to grow relationships that are healthy for me. I have given you a very brief overview of what I went through because it does get very grim, but, if I could get past all of the damage then you can to! remember #youarenotavictim #youareasurvivor

P.S if you would like me to explain in greater detail about any of my situations feel free to ask 🙂 I am an open book.